Another Work in Progress.

I hit my hand as I'm walking out the door, and first it goes numb but then it's suddenly throbbing, almost pulsating, and I'm shaking it and trying to wring out the pain, I guess, which sounds stupid but it's the only way to describe this retarded thing I'm doing with my hand. I keep looking at it, waiting for it to bruise or swell or something, anything to show me that I'm not crazy and this whole thing isn't in my head. Too many times lately it's just been in my head and goes away like it was never there, and just once I'd like to be able to prove that something actually happened to me and I'm not just somehow willing this on myself and creating all of this pain and discomfort. Suddenly I notice some redness near my wrist and before I realize it I'm laughing to myself, but I know I'm not the only person around so I stop it as soon as I can.

I remember that I was going somewhere, and while this is a pretty important chain of events I've gotta get to this appointment to hopefully set in motion an even more important chain of events, so I walk out the door again, grazing my hand against the same spot where I hit it earlier, letting it linger there for just a second, smiling a smile I wish I could see because I have a feeling I know which one it is. I close the door and start walking, and suddenly I can't remember if I need to go left or right. This is all so easy when I'm driving, but I know I can't use the car now, but still, I never have problems finding the place when I'm backing out of the driveway and turning... turning... shit, which way do I turn... I finally realize it's right because I always see that stupid god damn billboard with that weather guy on it, and I see it and know that it's Fall right now because they change it with the seasons and he's in front of some trees that aren't even indigenous to the area, but we don't have any trees that look that good when their leaves change, and the only way to show Fall is to have the leaves changing, I guess, so there he is, and I start walking towards him.

I'm walking and I notice there's a lot of trash on this street, and I never thought of this street as dirty, or run-down, or anything but nice or just normal, really, but I keep looking, and I'm seeing trash that doesn't belong, like cheap beer cans, and a condom wrapper, and what might be a used needle but maybe I'm just imagining things again and I'm certainly not stopping to look close enough to find out, and I'm starting to wonder what happens on this street when I'm not looking, and then I have to wonder when am I ever actually looking? Then my hand starts stinging again and I'm rubbing it without thinking and I smile and laugh some more since I don't think there's anyone around to hear me this time, and if they are they're not the same people I thought they were a few minutes ago before I really looked at my street.

As I keep walking I start to realize this is kind of far to go without a car, and I consider taking a cab but I don't think I have any money with me, and can't even think of how much a cab ride would cost, and I'm frustrated again because I just can't think of these things or just can't remember them, and it pisses me off so much I have to sit down on the curb and start crying a little. I'm tired of not being able to remember things that I just KNOW I used to know. It feels like it's getting worse but everyone tells me nothing's changing, which is still bad, but they tell me it's just because I'm running into more situations now than I was before, when I was just sitting around the house. And I mean I guess they're right but it hurts a lot more often now and I know I'm crying a hell of a lot more, and either way, I don't like it. I'm starting to get up and wipe my eyes when a cab passes by and I just sit back down and put my head back between my legs.